who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
