a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
