1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
