im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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