Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize