Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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