I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
