I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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