He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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