a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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