i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
