Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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