just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
