people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
