he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
