I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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