so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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