i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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