I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize