when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
