I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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