this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sext me about skeletons
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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