I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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