I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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