just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
