I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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