i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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