Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
