My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
