Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
