I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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