Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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