I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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