i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
