Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
