A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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