why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
