I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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