for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
