accomplished twins. life is a go
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
