Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
