I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
