Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
