please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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