My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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