there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
