I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
