I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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