Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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