She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
