I wish my penis had an off switch
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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