Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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