I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
