Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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