i was born a porn star she said
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
