Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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