how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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