Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
