i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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