so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
