I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Someone came in the potted fern
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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